Friday, October 28, 2011

I have a follower

Welcome, bartender, would you mind pouring me
a glas of red wine?
and sit with me a while

please rest your weary mind
warm your hands
at the fire

Do you hear the music?
Let's dance
do you mind if I lead?
You look so very tired

just rest your head on my shoulder
and hum the song with me

Will this work?

I don't really expect an answer, I know I am kind-off talking to myself. Just clearing my mind. Yes, I have learned people are reading what I write and that is cool, I have a soundboard ... it helps!

So, where was I? Oh yeah .... I remember now ...

Will this work?

My son has been dating a girl that enjoys sex as much as he does ... yes, he told us ... we have always been able to discuss anything.

Yesterday, when he called, I asked how his girlfriend was. It had been a few weeks since we talked, he doesn’t call very often.

He told me she was great, but they did have a problem. She is very introverted and doesn’t like to mingle ... and she doesn’t like to get together with people that are not their age.

He hopes this will pass, since he is a very outgoing person and will talk to anyone. Also, he is the president of a fraternity and has certain obligations. So when they have a gathering and he is doing ‘the rounds’ to make sure everybody feels welcome, while answering questions, he is very much aware that she is sitting at a table ... alone.

I told him that I know several couples, where one is outgoing and the other one isn’t and usually this personality-trait is something we will have to accept, because it won’t change.

Yet both parties need to be comfortable with it.

He is not comfortable with it ... and she is not either. If YOU are in a relationship like this, and it is working for you, how are you making it work?

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

When life throws you a bone, do you run away or catch it?


I have written before about a sister that has turned her back on us? The last time we saw her and her kids was many many years ago.

She allows my parents a thin straw ... they receive short E-mails now and then, nothing personal. They are not allowed to talk about her E-mails to us. There are many rules and if they brake them, she will be gone. My parents treasure this tiny thread of connection and are very cautious.

She left our family many years ago, declaring they were horrible parents. Her kids are not in touch with ANY OF US!

There is a little bit of contact between this sister and my youngest sister (again with very strict rules) and also with my mother’s youngest sister( our aunt), who somehow feels protective towards ‘the lost child’.

Two of us girls live in the USA and each time we go home to Holland, we have try to reunite.

I gave up many years ago, it used to hurt, but I am passed it now. But I hurt for my elderly parents and I hurt for the sister that lives here with me in the states. She is a soldier, that keeps trying to FIX things, only to get hurt again and again.

So now, this November my USA sister is going home to Holland once more. Her 26-year-old daughter will be going with her. Our parents are not doing well and there are serious concerns about my mother’s health.

Since the ‘estranged sister’ also has a 26-year-old daughter, my traveling sister is trying once more to connect. She thought it would be awesome for the girls to get together.
One of the sister at home, in Holland, knows all the girls are on the bookface and tries to contact them there. AND GUESS WHAT SHE FOUND OUT?

The oldest girl is married and has a one year-old baby!

Needless to say, there is shock, major shock! Do my parents KNOW they are great-grandparents?

Did any of them know?

I was upset last night ... how did it get this way? How can a family get so screwed up? We are normal people. So we have a bi-polar (we think) sibling?

Big T listens to my story, holds me tight and says, "Baby, nothing changed. She didn’t want to be a part of the family, so she didn’t share the fact that she is now a grandmother. Leave it be, don’t give her a reason to totally disappear from your parent’s life."

I saw the pics ... her daughter is gorgeous, the baby is precious, and I guess pics is all we will get.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

The First Kiss

 
 
you were taller
than I anticipated
your eyes looking down at me
holding my gaze in a grip

your mouth, closer now
strong and gentle fingers
touching my face, buried in my hair

lips, barely touching mine
like wings of a butterfly
my face in your hands
a smile on your lips

slowly drowning in your eyes
my heartbeat rushing in my ears
your chest vibrating with mine
demanding lips, devouring me

the jumbled flavors of our tongues
losing myself, melting into you
and I know
this is all a first kiss could ever be
 
Gea

The First Kiss,



you were taller
than I anticipated
your eyes looking down at me
holding my gaze in a grip

your mouth, closer now
strong and gentle fingers
touching my face, buried in my hair

lips, barely touching mine
like wings of a butterfly
my face in your hands
a smile on your lips

slowly drowning in your eyes
my heartbeat rushing in my ears
your chest vibrating with mine
demanding lips, devouring me
the jumbled flavors of our tongues

losing myself, melting into you
and I know
this is all a first kiss could ever be

Gea

Friday, October 21, 2011

The Worst Day of your Life?


 
Sometimes we have to sit and ponder a while, as I did the other day when someone asked me this question. My thoughts were alternating between the most painful and the most life-changing.


When I came to a conclusion I heard my ex-husbands voice, "I don’t love you anymore."


Just a few words can sent your world tumbling down in many tiny fragments, even though you knew, deep down you knew. And also, he always made me feel like I was not good enough.


I could never figure out how to reach that level of being ‘good enough’.
I did the things I thought would make a man happy, yet it was not working on him. There was hardly any sex and I was concerned about his well-being, too naive to think about the fact he was getting it elsewhere.


He didn’t want me to seduce him, or initiate sex, he thought it made a woman slutty, yet I heard other men wish for their wives ‘to make the move’. And I can understand totally how it would make a man feel desirable, because it does the same thing for women.


If you want me ... I must be HOT.


So not being wanted fed into my low self-esteem and I was slowly crumbling reaching for straws to make myself more desirable. So the day he told me that he no longer loved me, sent me spiraling down in a dark abyss of pain and loneliness. And I kept wondering ... WHY? Why must I hurt like this, what did I do wrong?


He was my first love and I never felt pain like this before.
THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE!
So I thought!


Yet now, more than 20 years later, I finally realize ... IT WAS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.


Sometimes, to move on, we have to let go of the ‘old life’ so we can start a new life.
It hurt like HELL ... and even though my marriage was empty and lonely ... I got more lonely.


So why do I consider this the BEST day of my life?


It forced me out of my cocoon ... it forced me to spread my wings and fly ... it forced me to open my eyes and grow up. I became a woman ... and I learned I need to make myself happy, before I can make anybody else happy.


The path of pain is nobody’s favorite way to grow, but I see now, why it was needed..
Please share the worst and best days of your life .... I wonder, if you might come to the same conclusion.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Open your eyes and show me your soul

Open your eyes and show me your soul
 
My body responding
to your needs
waves of desire
almost drowning


Your voice
hoarse and demanding
"Open your eyes,
look at me!"


Drowning once more
in your eyes
filled with passion
but it’s your tenderness
that makes me cry


gea

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Sexual tension at work ... bringing social pressure ... and a pretense of DISLIKING someone?


School age kids who LIKE each other, will torment each other, because it is JUST NOT COOL to like somebody with cooties. Because at that age, all your friends will tell you that the opposite sex has cooties! Right?


Their very young society tells them, that it is WRONG to like this little boy/girl, so let’s make sure all your classmates know you DON’T like them. (My son could never figure this out at school – he kept insisting all the girls hated him)


Do you realize we have this same thing going on in the workforce? Look around! I mean TAKE A CLOSE LOOK!


I personally did this after my divorce ... I worked with all guys and made sure they all knew I was a total bitch. The ones that tried to break through my barricade thought they found the ultimate ICE-QUEEN.


But it was only my protective shield, I was still licking my wounds, and it took a lot more to get through to me than a little flirting. For me it was self-preservation. I didn’t really hate all those guys! But there was sexual tension, so I had to do SOMETHING to protect myself.


If you are honest with yourself, you might admit, that you keep some co-workers at a safe distance .... you would love to get in her/his pants, but you are married. Most relationships would find this a huge taboo, like 98%? Yet the heat is there! And sexual tension!


So, again, back to those cooties, society tells us ---- stay away — don’t get burned! You might have to act like an ass, even though you REALLY like the person. You are probably having dreams and fantasies.


But society and your conscience tells you ... don’t be selfish, don’t hurt the one you love. Yet it is only natural that you would find some attractions outside the home. How you act on it, is up to you!


In the grand picture there is a lot of difference between LOVE and LUST, and this is something we need to establish before we act .... considering, that you DON’T want to hurt your mate.


There is only a small percentage of spouses, who would be okay with this (open marriage), but most people (even in the lifestyle) might first consult with their mate. Cheating is cheating!!


These are MY personal feelings ... we may agree to disagree ... feel free to share your feelings on this!

Saturday, October 15, 2011

To spank ... or not to spank

We all know Dr Spock got his info mixed up and changed his mind AFTER everybody followed his advice. But it depends on whom you listen to and which generation you are a part of.


Parents are always asking me this question and lets face it, I have a daycare/preschool ... is it a trick question? Are they making sure I don’t beat their kids?

Yet, I have had a mother of two angry little boys give me permission to spank them.

Did I?


Never, never, never would I spank someone else’s child!!!


I am not against a spanking at home, just so it is not a common diet! And with angry children you MIGHT get the opposite result. When you teach a ‘hitter’ not to hit, spanking would NOT be the way to go! I suggest you COUNT and while counting get creative in HOW this child might need to be disciplined. Without force, preferably!
Distancing yourself from the child does wonders for calming down, for BOTH of you. So you can respond to the bad behavior instead of reacting to it. Your first impulse might be force and that is never a good idea. Do you think all those people on the news set out to kill their kids? Most of them are immature and lost control.


The mother of those two angry little boys recently thanked me. She thinks she might have been on the news if she had been a full-time mother. The anger-issues were a part of this family, so it was a good thing we raised those little guys together.
No way am I implying here, that I am a perfect mother, I have made my fair share of mistakes. But I sure tried!

To spank or NOT to spank

To spank or NOT to spank

No my sweet, lovely pervs ... I am not talking about the beautiful behind of your lady!

We all know Dr Spock got his info mixed up and changed his mind AFTER everybody followed his advice. But it depends on whom you listen to and which generation you are a part of.
Parents are always asking me this question and lets face it, I have a daycare/preschool ... is it a trick question? Are they making sure I don’t beat their kids?
Yet, I have had a mother of two angry little boys give me permission to spank them. Did I?
Never, never, never would I spank someone else’s child!!!
I am not against a spanking at home, just so it is not a common diet! And with angry children you MIGHT get the opposite result. When you teach a ‘hitter’ not to hit, spanking would NOT be the way to go! I suggest you COUNT and while counting get creative in HOW this child might need to be disciplined. Without force, preferably!
Distancing yourself from the child does wonders for calming down, for BOTH of you. So you can respond to the bad behavior instead of reacting to it. Your first impulse might be force and that is never a good idea. Do you think all those people on the news set out to kill their kids? Most of them are immature and lost control.
The mother of those two angry little boys recently thanked me. She thinks she might have been on the news if she had been a full-time mother. The anger-issues were a part of this family, so it was a good thing we raised those little guys together.
No way am I implying here, that I am a perfect mother, I have made my fair share of mistakes.
But I sure tried!

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Waiting

                                                  Waiting
 
 
Embracing the white
empty field
with her eyes
she sits
waiting


Caressing the keyboard
crowded
with unmade words
she sits
waiting


The ashes of
her youth
are falling


she sits
waiting


Life is in code
the key
has been lost
she sits
waiting
 
 

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Are you a people pleaser?


 
My sister was on the phone when she looked out of her window and saw her neighbor cutting flowers from a flowerpot by her front-porch. She had a hard time getting this blue Salvia to bloom, but now it really complimented the other colors in the pot. So she ran to her front-door and yelled at the woman. The woman, startled, apologized and went back home.


I have to tell you the story about this woman!


The lady’s parents lived in this house first and my sister was very close to the elderly couple. She was heart-broken when they passed away, one right after the other, after many years together.


So when their daughter moved into the house, my sister tried to maintain this friendship. She would bring the lady flowers from her yard, and told her to help herself to some blackberries. She later wished she had not invited her to help herself, because the woman appeared in her back-yard with several kids and containers and they not only cleared the vines of berries, they also damaged them.


My sister never said a word to the woman about this, but it did bother her.
Then, in the spring, the lady came in my sister’s yard and cut off most of her tulips. She was obviously overdoing the ‘welcome mat’ yet my sister still didn’t confront her. But it made her sad, because her yard lost it’s springtime splendor.


Another incidence happened in the Fall, when this lady asked my sister’s husband for some red beets from their garden ... my brother-in-law told her she could have some. When he told my sister about this she cringed and told him they might not have enough to can now. The neighbor solved that problem ... she took ALL the red beets. They saw her getting in her car with her purse and a Walmart bag filled with beets ... she was passing the loot around?


So when my sister saw this lady cutting her flowers OUT OF HER POT, she finally snapped.


But guess what?


The next day she went to the woman’s house with a beautiful, self-made floral-arrangement. She apologized for yelling at her and explained why those blue flowers meant so much to her.


My sister is a sweetheart and I hate it when people take advantage of her. When I told her she was ‘way too nice’ she said, "I know, I know, I am a people pleaser."
 
 
 

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

He won't stay in his bed!


One of the parents is getting tired of the lack of privacy. She told me her son will not sleep in his own bed. They have tried everything. Reward systems, anger, their locked bedroom door with a screaming child behind it.

I think we have all been there ... haven’t we?

Even when he still slept in his baby bed, our son would escape and crawl into bed with us. The sides were all the way up, and he would still get out. But he never cried, just quietly climbed out of his crib and into our bed.

Later, when he had a big-boy bed, he was still doing it. We didn’t even notice when he crawled in our bed at night and somehow he would always be between us. (I could never lock that door, except for a few hours of privacy)

One evening, after reading him a book and checking under the bed and behind the curtains for monsters, I requested once more, "Please stay in your own bed. You are a big boy now. Big boys don’t sleep with their mommy and daddy."

His answer, "But it is just not fair. You are both grown ups and YOU sleep together. I am just a little kid and I have to sleep all alone, with nobody to protect me."

Monday, October 10, 2011

Chick-Fil-A

On our road-trip to Duck, North Carolina, we followed the directions of our faithful navigator, the G.P.S. All went well, until we came to a more congested area, where several cities seemed to blend together amidst tunnels and bridges.

Our G.P.S got mixed up. Was it all that water? It kept sending us to loading decks of harbors and we got lost in a bad area. Since the gas-tank was empty and all three of us had to use to restroom, we had no choice but find the least offensive pit-stop.

Usually men don’t ask for direction, but our son flagged down a distinguished looking gentleman, who didn’t seem to belong in this part of town and asked the man directions.
When he came back to the car, he explained to us how to get out of the area, and he also requested to stop at a restaurant that the man had recommended.

It was called Chick Fil A.

We had been snacking on some fruit and nuts we brought from home, but we were getting hungry for some real food.

Just a few weeks ago, a vacation with the three of us had seemed like an impossible dream, yet here we were, on our way to the beach, leaving 102 degree temperatures.
It was like a miracle.
My husband had been unemployed for a long time now, and when his brother suggested we come and share a beach-house with him and his family, I didn’t think we could afford the trip. A wealthy member from his parish invited my brother-in-law and family to use their huge beach-home for a few weeks. It was located on an island, a small community, surrounded by water.

Yet when I looked at my work-calender I realized nobody would need me during one of those weeks. So I would not be losing any potential income.

Also, I had a ‘stash’ in my drawer. I had saved cash, gift-credit cards, and gift-certificates that I received from parents of the little ones. I was truly spoiled last Christmas!

We found the restaurant, a cute place, friendly service and the food was awesome and we left feeling much better. Back on the road again!

We were almost to a toll-booth when I yelled, "My purse!"

My husband slowed down and looked at me in disbelief, while I started summing up the contents of my purse. I was in tears and felt so stupid!

"I am so sorry," I kept saying it, till my son said, "Stop saying that, Mom, it will be okay!"

Our driver made a U-turn across the grassy media and turned around. He was driving fast, and I tried to stop crying.

My son and I ran in together, but the purse was no longer hanging on the chair. People were staring at us. Well, mostly at me, since I was crying.

Then one lady, sitting nearby the table we had just left, pointed to the cash register. "The waitress took your purse over there!"

My son did the talking, I was crying too hard.

Somebody started reaching in a cabinet behind the counter,  but another woman pushed her out of the way and threw a row of questions at me, "What color is your purse, what is your name, what is in your purse?"

"For cryin-out-loud, give her the damned purse.!" Someone said.

A server pushed my purse into my hands, her eyes filled with tears. I took the purse and hugged her as hard as I could. Soon, several girls joined in and we had a big group-hug of teary women. They all understood the devastation of losing a purse!